Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Trembling with Anticipation

Sometimes I feel as if my whole life revolves around anticipation, which is completely and totally pointless and unfortunate. Not a cool way to live.

This is one of the many reasons I am so content with my life at this point in time. Although maybe (I really hope this makes as much sense as I intend) there are things I am anticipating (. . . =). . .), I am living my life right now.
I hope...

At least I will tell you that I have made decisions about what I want thus far:
  • I want to get better grades than before (it's a must!) & the best I believe I can get.
  • I want to feel organized.
  • I want to feel as if I am doing my best in everything college-related.
  • I want to hang out with ALL my friends that I miss so much, and those I can't physically see I want to keep in touch via phone, e-mail, IM, facebook, or real letters.
  • I want to do Zumba, and not be too much of a chicken to go by myself.
  • I want to kick ass in Tae Kwondo!
  • I want to make progress in discovering what I want to do with my life.
  • I want to make my plans for this summer (Honduras!?!?! <3)
  • I want to continue searching for God on campus, in whatever, in whomever, or wherever that might be. The Lutheran ministry is a start. Maybe the Episcopalians have gotten their act together too. Even if it's taking a slow meditative walk, I've got to do something this year. Last year was awful in that respect.
  • I want to make this year a good year.
I realize that there are a whole lot of "I want's" in this list, and many are needs as well. I also know that they'll take a lot of work, but I need to do it. Unfortunately, this may mean cutting back on some intense phone conversations (<3) or pc time (oh, whatever will i do? heh).

I can and will do as much as I can. I need to, for my sanity if nothing else. Besides, everyone paying for me to take these crazy classes, including myself, deserves to know that they are not wasting their time and money. So there.

Anyway, long day tomorrow...gotta find the health center for blood pressure check & heartrate checks. woot woot. *scrunches nose*

Good niiiight!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Discipline.

I went to compline at the Lutheran Church tonight. It was pretty cool. The only differences between their compline and ours was the chanting and the incense. Ha, ha. It was awesome.
It felt familiar enough that it certainly helped.
I need my discipline.

In other news, I think I've already gained serious weight from the barely-over-a-week that I've been in Morgantown. Between eating out & stressing out, and eating because of stress, I think my body is pissed at me. Both of my capris are much snugger than I ever recall them being. Granted, I'm also not at Peterkin anymore.
Damn boys stressin' me out. Boo.

As for studying, I might wanna try that sometime....
And my roommate--love her! She always has such boundless energy! I love it.
Umm...It's a disaster in my room...and
umm
I need my Spanish homework to be started & finished, and to sleep before 1030 rolls around tomorrow, in which case I flop into Italian Mode. AYAYAY.

Goodnight/morning.
Sarah
Ps Jet Li is hott.
PPs I love being single.
PPPs I love and miss my friends.
PPPPs I love God.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Finally

This is finally where God wants me to be. Or closer anyway. And by saying this, I don't mean that being further from Ammar is what God wants. I just mean that God wants me to take a step back and prioritize. God has a plan for me, and God's will be done.

I feel better than I have for the longest time just because I know I did something difficult for me, even though it hurt really bad, in order to step back and figure out where my heart is.

God only knows where my heart is, at least for now, but it is back with God.

No longer preoccupied by "earthly matters," if you will.
We are such fascinating creatures, aren't we? God has sculpted us so intricatedly. It's absolutely amazing. So amazing that we can only pretend to think we understand ourselves & each other.

I have other things to clear up, but first I would live to thank all of my awesome, clever friends, without whom I would have never managed to muster this much sanity. <3

Okay, now, clearing up. Apparently there was an awesome Sarah-bashing party a few days ago, where my ex-roommate and ex-boyfriend had a consult on my shortcomings. (flippin' sweet, eh?). So here is the thing, in case the ex-roommate is still peeking at my blog. I never hated you. No. I hated never having privacy, as much as anything.That was what killed me the most. When I walked into my room this year, there was almost a full wall between the 2 beds, and I almost cried with relief. I just need/want my own space. I got so used to it the first semester of last year. Then you moved in, and it was kinda like a sleepover, only forever. Have you ever had a friend over for a sleepover that lasted more than one night, and by the end of the second night you think you're gonna kill them? It was the second night, but that's kind of how it was. You're a good person, and you have a great personality. I just think were incompatible as roommates, and that living together was a mistake. I wouldn't change it, I learned from it, but it still made things very difficult. That doesn't mean I don't like you at all anymore. And it certainly doesn't mean I wanted to hurt your feelings by everything I've written in here, had it been my choice, I would have spared you that pain, I'm sorry.
Umm...If you now hate me, that's ok, and I understand, but I just felt like you ought to know that it wasn't your fault at all, it was just that I had no personal space, no sanctuary. I need that once in a while, you know. Sorry for all the pain.

And, with that I suppose I will leave you. For anyone else who read that, re-read the top part of this entry because that part was much more upbeat. I am really happy now, aside from hurting others, I wouldn't change anything.
I am where God wants me.
Finally.

Thank goodness.

Finally,
Sarah with an H is back.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

......

Today is unfortunate. I blame the male species again.
If only I were a lesbian...

Monday, August 20, 2007

Dream

Last night's dream was messed--scratch that--effed up. It was a really intense dream, and I don't remember the details, but I remember feeling very frustrated--to the point of tears.

Ammar didn't want to kiss me. I learned how to say "Kiss me now" and "Kiss me again" in Arabic recently, so every time I want a kiss, I say it. In the dream, every time I said it, he wouldn't do it. I got really frustrated. Apparently this is where I turned into a lesbian? Yeah, told you it was effed up. The girl I was kissing looked like my new roommate, but her name was Darci (who Ammar knows). We started kissing each other in the campus bookstore (bizarre) and she wasn't into it (I think she was ashamed of it/me. So I pushed her away as a guy was stopped right beside us gawking at us. I told her I didn't think it was working out--while she stared hungrily at the guy, proving that she wasn't 100% lesbian, which made me feel betrayed--and then she immediately hooked up with guy who said something about the Carribbean...

Then I was on my bed & Ammar was trying to tell me some story, all casual like, but I was still upset about him not wanting to kiss me. I rolled on my other side and squeezed my eyes shut. He then asked his typical, "What's wrong sweetheart?" and I wouldn't tell him...or I yelled about him not wanting to kiss me...I can't remember which.

Then I was on my bed again with my friend Autmun's mom. We were talking about all the crap I was going through that day, and I asked her what to do or something, and she told me she didn't know what to tell me cause that day she just learned that her whole section of her company was being fired. I was really sad for her, and I was going to pray for her & her family when she said another thing. Something about, but that didn't really happen, but I say it did so it won't tomorrow. I was so angry that everyone keeps taking advantage of my gullability. I was sooo mad. I walked around after that, into a kitchen where I pounded on the counter where there were no-bake cookies. My friend Autumn was there, and I was trying to only act angry, not sad, when in reality I was absolutely crushed and heart-broken.



I told you it was effed up.

What a way to start my first morning of school. Can't wait. (ugh) Although I think I already like my roommate more than last year, obvi (lol).
Gotta get ready. Hasta luego.

Sarah

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Monday, August 13, 2007

Raaaawr.

Raaaawr. SO stressed lately. Like, you don't even know, which is why I'm gonna tell you.
Duh.

So, yesterday I almost died. There's an awesomely huge story about my driving, but it ends with, "So all of a sudden, I see a blue car in front of me, and I'm like 'What are ya doin'?!?!?!' And I slam on the breaks, it leaves, and then I look up, and I'm passing through a red light--THAT's what it was doin' in front of me. DUH!"
So I freaked out the rest of the way home. It was rad.

Ugh.

Then the bf & I had some issues. I was too tired to deal last night. I was stressed to the max & oh-so-exhausted. I basically stressed through a terrible, rough, horrid conversation/arguement, then slept with my contacts in. Any other night, that's totally cool, but with a head cold--not nice at all. Gross & painful. I woke up with two nice red eyes. My right eye is still fire-engine red. Anyway, so I wake up, force myself into the shower, and contemplate the conversation that took place last night in my exhausted stupor. The more I thought about everything, the more pissed I became at the male species in general, and at a few in particular. i.e. those who make some moments in life so enjoyable...the ones who interrupt the peace of my morning showers.

*growl*

This is the second shower recently in which I have fumed and raged (inwardly, as always) about men in general. ("If I'm contemplating men in the shower, shouldn't it be a good thing?" my dirty mind teases...) This frustrates me.
My shower time is supposed to be my calm, contemplative morning ritual that slowly yanks me in the direction of beginning my day. Without the peaceful beginning to my morning, my day cannot be as productive as I would like.

Curse you men who ruin my showers! How dare you invade my privacy so!

Anyway. Screw them all, I eventually decided, this shower is too nice to be ruined by them. And then I got out of the shower, sent a message to my boy, and received a phone call apologizing. <3

I was glad I didn't just go psycho-crazy with all my angry musings, even more so after seeing my horoscope : "When you say something you wish you hadn't, apologizing is all you can do. Hopefully the person you snapped at will be understanding." Weiiiiird!


So, morals of this entry:
  • "Boys--stay out of my showers, and there will be peace between us!"
  • Trust your heart, and trust God; everyone else makes mistakes.
  • Don't let Sarah drive on the interstate by herself with nothing but "Umbrella" by Rihanna and crappy oldies songs to keep her company; or else she may run red lights into blue cars as she yells obscenities.
Along those lines, I have never cursed as much as I did the day I drove to Marietta by myself. I honestly didn't know I had it in me. O.O


Enough confessions for one post. Oy vey.

Stressed Sarah

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Opp's

I am again reminded that I am young. I have time to discover where my life should go and what I should do, although I should enjoy every minute of it along the way. I have time to decide what to do with my life, who[m] (or whether or not) to marry, where to travel, where to live, what to eat, what to wear, etc.

I have plenty of time.

I am nineteen. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm so pumped.
= )

To Do's for the future:
  1. Learn the following dances, enjoy them, and do them well : 1) Swing 2)Merengue 3)Salsa 4)Tango 5)Waltz 6)Cumbia 7)Zumba (dancercise...) 8) Any other fun type of ballroom dancing/latin dancing.
  2. Learn, perfect, and use the following languages: 1)English (perfecting, of course) 2)Spanish(por su puesto) 3)Portugese(a step away from Spanish) 4)Arabic 5)Italian(yeah, this semester!) 6)French(ugh, maybe...?)

.....sorry, got distracted. i'll have to finish/expand later. <3

paz del dios.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Creepy stuff!

Okay, so a few days ago, aka yesterday I guess...My horoscope on Facebook said this, "It's time to organize and clear out some paperwork. You might come across something you forgot about that you need to get done ASAP." I've been looking and looking for my semester PIN so I could change classes and yesterday I went through several papers (important papers).

However, most unfortunately, I did not find it.

booo bad horoscope that teases me!

and again on creepy yesterday, I was sitting in my desk chair, nowhere near my shelf, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this bear falls down onto my bed. I look up at the shelf to see what was going on, and a beanie baby dog has it's arm suspiciously up in the air!!! WTF?

Creepy again, I picked up the empty envelope to one of Ammar's letters, and it was in my hand when the phone rang, and it was Ammar.

*hears twilight zone theme*

That's about it, unfortunately. My life is fairly bland, aside from the adventures that my friends & I have been experiencing. Yesterday was Autumn Day, and we drove around and had some fun. Went furniture shopping (for fun), diamond/jewel shopping(for fun, again), and browsed through clothes, just for kicks and giggles. And had triple chocolate doughnuts from Tim Horton's. Too much chocolate for me--scary thought, huh? You'll have that occassionally.

Off to lunch with Dorian, which I'm sure will be amusing, but uneventful outside of that.


I'll leave you with a little sweetness. <3

Variations

by Federico Garcia Lorca

The still waters of the air

under the bough of the echo.

The still waters of the water

under a frond of stars.

The still waters of your mouth

under a thicket of kisses.


Variación

por Federico García Lorca

El remanso del aire

bajo la rama del eco.

El remanso del agua

bajo fronda de luceros.

El remanso de tu boca

bajo espesura de tus besos.



a thicket of kisses. *sigh* he's pretty good, but still, he can't compare to the heart-throb that is Pablo Neruda. <3>

Your fav Spanish geek, Sarah with an H.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Contemplation

Today was pretty good. I went to church to suffer through a regular service for the first time since my return from Peterkin. I was pretty much okay, for the most part. The most difficult part of not being at Peterkin/Peterkin in the future is that Zach Drennen won't be there next time. = ( Que lastima.

After church I went to brunch with a couple of my friends from church, which I enjoyed immensely. = )

I came home and finished reading Girls of Riyadh by Rajaa Alsanea. It was a really great book. It took me a while to get attached to the characters, mostly because they were so different. It took a while to get used to their way of thinking. But, I am glad that I stuck it out. The more and more I read, the more involved I became. I began to feel stressed when they felt stressed and joyous when they were joyous. I feel like I have a better idea of how some Saudi's think/how parts of their culture work than I did before reading the book. Unlike similar books I've read in the past, this one didn't just list in explicit detail the atrocities that some Middle-Eastern women experience. This book better illustrated the reasonings behind why they do what they do and how different people in the society react to different things. I found it enjoyable.

And thought-provoking, which, as enjoyable as it was, I'm not so sure that HP7 was all that thought-provoking. Perhaps I didn't read it slow enough to find out.


I've decided that I really enjoy dancing a lot even if I'm terrible at it and I am going to attempt to improve somehow. Not that it is entirely dancing in the normal sense of the word, but I've decided I'm going to do Zumba when I'm back at WVU. I am pumped.

I think that's about it for now. I am pretty content.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Swirling.

Swirling sounds like a good way to describe life right now. If you're looking for any concrete explanations on that one, turn back now. I'm in a mood to be vague and ambiguous.

Everything in my life is swirling around me, not uncontrollably, and not out of my reach either, at least not yet anyway. Everything is just far enough that I have to stretch to reach, and I feel either 1--too lazy/exhausted/stubborn, or 2--too worried to do it.

There more I write in this, the less sense it seems to make.

So maybe blunt and obvious is the best way to go for tonight. Sorry to disappoint.

Okay. Here it goes. So, I'm nervous about school stuff, first of all. I'm worried that the classes won't be arranged the way they should and that they'll be harder than I thought and that my grades won't be good. I have to do much better this year in order to keep the Promise. I am worried that my new roommate won't like me or that she will be psycho. I am worried that I will drive her crazy instead of the other way around. I am worried that I will miss all of my friends too much. I am worried that I won't spend the "right" amount of time with Ammar, whether too much or too little. I am worried that I worry too much.

I am worried about effin parallel parking. It frustrates me because every time I think I've figured it out, it turns out that I haven't at all.

I am worried about what I will do next summer. Such a large part of me wants to go to Honduras, maybe it will help me figure out what direction the next part of my life will take, improve my Spanish, allow me to be more worldly/cultured, and allow me to have life-changing experiences.
However, I'm such a picky eater, would I be able to survive on orphanage food? Especially since chicken is mostly for special occassions. (<--that's totally not a sentences, but I really don't care right now). I have never gone more than 3/4/5 weeks without seeing some member of my family, how would I cope? I'm sure there's very little if any internet access, hardly any phone lines. Definitely no cell service (duh). Could I handle being away from everyone that long? Could my relationship withstand that kind of torture? Would I even want to make him try? < / 3
And what about Peterkin? I would love to be the lifeguard/counselor again, but my choices for Honduras are either a whole year there, or a summer. Summer seems to be the most intelligent choice, but I want to work at Peterkin too.


Whatever.
I'm tired & we have church tomorrow.
Goodnight to those who cared too listen. = )

I won't stress too much, I promise. And I'll try to take some action and be productive soon.

The H is getting the best of your favorite Sarah.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Home is where the <3 is.........hmm...

I am home. Sleeping in my own bed is nice, as is eating good food & showering without flip flops. woohoo. However, the shrieking children have really not given me much of a break, only insight that I reeeally don't want to be stuck with 3-4 yr. olds permanently, speaking career-wise. I'd die.

I wanted to kill my brother today. I was almost asleep on the couch and he made me move...like a 5-yr. old.
I was so mad.

Ammar & I went goofy-golfing at Clown Golf for the first time yesterday.....he beat me that time, but you just wait, I'll totally dominate next time! It was nice to have some time with him, although it would have been nicer had I not worried about the padres. Whatev.

I felt so insanely selfish today, as I stood unloading the dishwasher. I had just been rudely awakened from cycle 1-2 of REM Sleep, aka I was close to doing the real sleeping, by my mother yelling for someone to help her carry in the groceries. I, being me, got up and helped when it was completely unneccessary. Ugh. Then I unloaded the dishwasher and mentally grumbled about how sometimes I wish I had a secret identity so I could do stuff I've never done without causing chaos or...as an afterthought, without hurting anyone else.

I wished that I could talk to people just because I knew I was in a bad mood and that they would help. Except, the phrase I was actually going to begin the conversation with--I kid you not--was "I'm in a bad mood; cheer me up." Selfish and needy much?

I infuriate myself.

Then I mentally grumbled about my brother feeling self-important because he has a job and can drive by himself and is actually a good driver. The more I think about it, the more not being a good driver just irritates me. EVERYONE ELSE CAN DO IT. Why Can't I? Ugh. For real though, isn't it bad enough that I can't ride a bike?

*sigh*

And I miss my friends. All of them. Too much.

< / 3.

mmmboo.

I miss lots of things & people right now. Maybe I'll read my new book...