At this moment, virtually every issue I am dealing with involves someon of the male species, or Who is typically given a male pronoun.
Numero Uno is the One & Only: God. I feel like I am far away from God right now, and I can't explain it at all. Church? Check. Communion? Check. Praying? Pretty much Check. I just feel so distant right now. I don't know why. But I have a guess or two...?
I used to think it was because I held so much resentment against my roommate, but perhaps that was only part of it.
Dos: Ammar. I absolutely adore him. I would not change a thing about him because he is such a wonderful person. Yes, I do admit we are terribly addicted to each other to the point that we were suffering withdrawal within minutes of our final separation. But, we're tough cookies & we can survive 3 whole months without each other, I have faith in that. But, my pwn personal problem is that maybe I am putting Ammar before God. Wow. A large part of me wants to erase that and pretend it never existed. What if it is true? Ammar always says to me, "We are one; you are me." Well if that is true, why do I take precedence over God, why does Ammar take precedence over God? Maybe instead of thinking about Ammar for every lap I swim, I should talk to God instead and not worry about how many laps it ends up being. I think I will do that today.
The thing is though, I feel like when I talk to God, this is about how my conversation is dry. I feel like I'm just saying things so that God doesn't get mad at me, sort of like trying to appease a parent, you know? ha, ha. I kind of smirked when I wrote that--I never made the connection quite that way before. hm.
"[insert deep sigh here] God I know this is not the person you created me to be. I know this is not how Jesus would act, nor is this the way you want me to act. I don't really know exactly what I am doing wrong, but I sincerely do feel the need for some serious introspection and input from You. I need YOU, not Ammar. I need You. You are part of me today as much as You have been every other day, every other year of my life. Jesus is still part of who I am. I still see You and Your work through others. I still love You. I know that You stilll love me. I need You to help me remember what it is like to live to serve You. I have been thinking that I will automatically become spiritually renewed once I get to Peterkin, but I still have a lot of time left, and I should not waste a single moment that You have so graciously given me. I am so sorry that I feel I have wasted this much time.
But, thank you for giving me another chance.
Sarah."
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Oh Sarah, if only spirituality were easy. I definitely have a lot of the same struggles as you, minus the Ammar thing. My first suggestion is this: don't feel guilty for missing Ammar or thinking about Ammar. When you swim laps and think about Ammar, maybe try thinking about Ammar as a gift from God. Obviously God blessed you with a person like Ammar in your life and so, if you think about Ammar in those terms, you're including God in there too. Also, I think God understands the struggle we all have to put Him first. None of us are perfect. I think God knows our intentions and they count for more than we might think. There was a monk named Thomas Merton who had a famous prayer and I think it's amazing. I hope you enjoy as much as I do. It goes:
"My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
PS: Just a fair warning: spirituality when you're a counselor is a little more challenging than it is as a camper. Knowing that going in is a big help. :-) I can't wait to spend a summer with you!
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