Everything you know is wrong.

Buddhism has some serious complex ideas.

First, you aren't who you think you are. Yup, that's right. According to Buddhism, I am not the Sarah with a H that I claim to be! O.O There is no self-identity because no part of you is unchanging and constant. You're like a kaleidoscope: You're made up of the same pieces, but they continue to move and be reshaped to form a completely different person.

Also, Nirvana is the only permanently reality of the cosmos. The state of tranquility and peace that is so incredibly difficult to achieve is the only permanent reality of the cosmos? Complex enough for you? It's all about perspective, whereas the Christian version of Heaven is more perceived as a place (of non-suffering) for the most part. It is also the freedom from personal attachment to things and people.

Our professor told us a story about a grieving grandmother who visited Buddha. She was mourning the loss of her grandson. Buddha asked her if she would like all the children in the village to be her grandchildren, and she replied, "Of course!"
Then Buddha asked her what would happen if she felt the same amount of pain she felt at that moment for one child every time one of the village children died.
Then she had the epiphany the Buddha wanted her to have: becoming attached (desire) causes pain & suffering.

No desire = no suffering.

It's interesting to muse over, but the thing is, I'm still of the opinion that it is better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all, and I always will be. Heartbreak is a horrible pain to undergo, but you do survive it (unless you're a sweet little old man/woman who lost the love of 80 + years or something, in which case dying of a broken heart is more reasonable). Plus, in Christianity, we recognize death as a transition into life with God, so it's a different thing entirely. "They've gone to a better place" and "They're not suffering any more" are our consolations.
Hmm.
I love learning about all this stuff.

This one's hardly relevant, but it's a wonderful picture anyway.





This happens to me sometimes.




Sometimes I do this.




But mostly I do this (or want to anyway).




That is about it at the moment. (Oh, and I have decided I'm pretty much a huge fan of www.istockphoto.com, it's amazing.)

Wild Turkey.

Not much worth mentioning today, aside from this tidbit of a bus conversation:
Carmen (younger lady approx 30-35 in age): Do you know where I can get a hunting license? I want a wild turkey!
Man (who actually thinks he knows everything): Wild Turkey? You can get a bottle of that anywhere!!

I laughed a whole lot, and I was the only one laughing.
Carmen got in 5 minutes later.




Beautiful trees!













This is my favorite. It looks like it would be a wonderful place to relax...

Down for the Count or the French are killin' me.

heh. No explanation for the second half of that.

I feel like I'm failing at everything right now, but I know ways to not fail again. It's just fixing my mistakes for right now I can't figure out. I bet this seems as vague as it sounds, hmm. I'll try to elaborate without going too crazy on a tangent.

One example is grades, school work, studying, etc--academics. I know ways to improve my studying for next time...I just am having issues figuring out how to scrape by this semester.

There's another dilemma, however, I don't feel like going into it right now.

I went to dinner last night and The Beast (oh, yes, the one who flew over the log with me) decided it didn't love me anymore, and it wouldn't start (in Marietta, no less, after dark!). damn--darn--thing. (I'm trying to go back to where I never used curse words. I liked that Sarah a lot better than I like the Sarah who started using them).
Anyway, the beast & I reconciled today, it started when I turned the key, so I gave it gas as a nice, pricey reward.


ha. I'm so awesomely lame sometimes.

So, plans for next semester and/or future in general (woah, Sarah's planning ahead--watch out everybody!):

• not hang out with people who intentionally hurt me; no exceptions.
• hang out with people who really love me unconditionally, not only that, but they bring out the very best in me, and they expect me to do my best.
• study very hard, type up notes (reinforcement), stay organized, use a day planner(we'll see whether that one works out!), write all major assignments & tests on my big calendar
• find people in large classes to hold me accountable for being in class, sit up front in large lectures in order to feel as if I need to be there
  
• know that I need to be there--required or not
• go to Spanish and or Italian tables in the evenings
• not eat at BK every single day--and/or try to find the healthiest things on the menu--and eat them.
• find things worth eating at the Bistro.
• go to the rec at least once a week.
• not sit around in my room and wallow in my own self-pity (I like this one! = P )
• find someone I know in a Zumba class, suck it up & give it a shot
• sleep at somewhat logical times
• turn more assignments in early (I've actually been good about that lately!)
• continue attending Canterbury club either tuesdays and/or wednesdays, continue to participate in their activities
• keep my floor cleaner-->better organized feeling
• try to volunteer in the church soup kitchen
• keep in touch with my non-WVU friends better

Now, my dear readers, I am not an unrealistic person, at least not when it comes to the task before me. I do understand that accomplishing everything on the above list would be a near-impossible feat. However, I also know that there are simply some things on there that I can't afford to not do. Those are my priorities, everything else would just be healthy and good things to do in order to have a better semester.

I need to have a good semester. I need to be me again.
I don't think I've been me in a long time. I kinda miss it a lot.

he dicho.




Dysfunction: The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you.
What can I say; it spoke to me.





Most of what this one says isn't that important, but I'll tell you anyway.
Apathy: If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.




Agony: Not all pain is gain.
That one is a little revolting, but, uh, the fight thing appealed to me at the moment.
Battling my own demons and those of others as well.



I am an icicle, freezing(!!), clinging to whatever I can grasp, and meltingevery time the sun starts to shine. Emo kid I am.


One more:

A small glimpse of hope.
All I need.

Goodnight.

Good Morning! My, you're up early!

Rise & Shine, Baby!




Chuckie & I got up @ 3:30AM to shop. It was actually less eventful and chaotic than I imagined--this is a very good thing, I believe.

Yesterday I told mom that Grammy called. We talked about things for a bit. She says that her issues with her mom & her dad (not her stepdad--my bad) may be unresolved, but she doesn't think they'll get any better, and she doesn't think it's worth trying.
Her choice, so I'm fine with that. As long as she knows what she's getting herself into. I feel like that was a conversation I was wary of having, but it turned out okay. It could have been much more emotional & uncomfortable, and I'm glad it wasn't.

Speaking of deep conversations, you wouldn't believe how genial Chuckie & I can be to each other at 4 o'clock in the morning! My goodness. We talked a lot about college stuff--as you can tell, it was intense. (just kidding).

Paper writing, perhaps more shopping, and dinner plans for today. I'm pretty pumped about one of the three--take your pick. heh.

Time to rest and relax for now. Some strange part of my side is killing, but I'm assuming it's because my body doesn't like the ratio of hours of sleep to hours per day that I've got goin' on lately. (3:48 = not so nice!)
hasta luego.


I was going to come up with some witty caption. Alas, it is simply too early. I'll make up for it some other time!




I kind of felt like this today, and I totally look and feel like this every time we have a fire drill after I've fallen asleep. haha. I'm awesome that way.

_________________________________________________________________

Oh, I finally found the poem I like so well. I feel like it describes my dad a lot. It stirred a lot of emotion in me when we read this in class. Really, the first stanza is the most pertinent.

Those Winter Sundays

by Robert E. Hayden

Sundays too my father got up early

and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,

then with cracked hands that ached

from labor in the weekday weather made

banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.

When the rooms were warm, he’d call,

and slowly I would rise and dress,

fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,

who had driven out the cold

and polished my good shoes as well.

What did I know, what did I know

of love’s austere and lonely offices?

Thanksgiving----take two!

Something I was musing over during our holiday meal at my grandma's house, as I ate and observed the chaos that is the Corra family (bunch of crazies...heh):
The women on my dad's side of the family, at least my aunts (aka his sisters, right?) and a few of my older cousins, have a pretty lousy record of landing kind of sucky men. It's kind of a shame, really. Granted, most of my aunts are pretty crazy, but still...I'm positive that my grandfather was a wonderful man, and he was good to my grandmother (vice versa), so I don't really know why it is that most of their children ended up with not so great marriages. Ha. They're Catholic, too (remember, dear readers, Catholics frown on divorces; they mate for life (like swans!) haha.). It's interesting because out of all 10 kids, 3 (maybe 4) of the 10 ended up having divorces, and one did not get married (which is not necessarily a sing that she has trouble with men, could be a choice, no idea--plus, she works in the CIA, so obviously it would totally be just like "Mr. & Mrs. Smith"..lol) One of my aunts in particular has had 2 (at least, maybe 3?) divorces, her daughter has yet to have much better luck with men, 'though she's never been married either. And one of my other cousins married another loser (do they seek us Corra-girls out; or is it terrible judge of character? hmm). After a whole lot of chaos (of course) they got divorced and he left her with her baby--who has lots of health problems.

It just kind of got me thinking about things. the cousins always bring their significant others(of the moment?) to holiday meals/gatherings. We meet them, they experience their share of the Corra chaos, they leave, and sometimes cousins return with same people, but usually they don't. Interesting.

I failed to make my point yet. how frustrating! all that, and no point! Ok. Point: I recognize that, for whatever reason, judgment of men and/or commitment to said men is not the forte of the Corra girls. Although, I will mention that with most of these men, it is best that my female relatives got away from them. So, these are things I have noticed. Thus far, I have not been much more astute than my relatives in regard to the male species. This is not saying that all the guys I dated were bad--most weren't as bad as some that my aunts have gotten involved with--it's just an interesting coincidence, is it not? At any rate, I do hope to learn from my mistakes (I'm sure I already have) and theirs as well, and do my best to not have to marry a variety of men before finding one who is right for me. heh. definitely hoping to avoid that.
I'm also hoping to just get better at all this relationship nonsense some day. Oh, and also find a healthy but unobtrusive way to teach my children about relationships--at least that which you can teach and does not come from experience. I keep thinking that surely not all these things must be learned the "hard way."

My trusty readers (<--weirdo 102 teacher says 19th century writers did this & no one else does. does that mean I'm weird? = ( heh), I believe it is time for more eating, scheming, and hopefully sleeping (oh, how I miss thee!) to ensue.

I will leave you with some pictures of my favorite fictional couples, sappy romantic I am. = )


Jane and Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice
melt-worthy?



Luke & Lorelai--Gilmore Girls
meant-to-be.




Mr & Mrs Smith.
Yes, I know. You'd think this is the most dysfunctional of the 3, and perhaps it is, but in all three relationships (fictional as they were) there were problems and issues to overcome. mmm.

I will be pondering this over dinner!

Happy Thanksgiving, and such.

I could not sleep a wink, so hear I sit, typing away, listening to the rain pouring and the wind howling. My cat is glaring angrily at me from the foot of the bed, reprimanding me for interrupting her beauty rest. My mom is downstairs, snoring, as she waits the return of my dad from work. He has been slaving away all night, just as he has the past few nights. I'm not the only one missing out on my shut-eye. As I was trying to sleep, the brilliant blue glow from my iMode (my new iPod player) cast eerie shadows about the room. Try as I might, I could not sleep at all.

In other news, my brother is on this really weird kick where he keeps saying I'm a lesbian. Umm, hello? If I were a lesbian, would I go through all this trouble messing around with men? Hell, no! Maybe he clicked on my blog the day I put up the picture of the two women kissing? Eh. Whatever. I'm pretty sure most of us know I'm not a lesbian, not that I have any problems with people who are--unless they're Tila Tequila--and she's somethin' else altogether.

My grandmother from my mom's side succeeded in making contact with me, totally throwing me a curveball. I hate that my awesome brother who thinks I'm a lesbian handed me the phone without telling me who the devil was on the other end! oy. So, we don't keep in contact with mom's side of the family for a cornucopia of reasons (yay for thanksgiving!). Many just involving things I have nothing to do with. My mom has never said that we aren't allowed to talked to her mom or anything of the sort. However, she never did much to encourage it either. She refuses to pick up the phone when her mom is calling. Recently mom sent me an email telling me that my grandmother (we call(ed) her Grammy) has been calling the church for my school address...several times. O.O Oookay, so she asked if I wanted them to give her the address, but I just didn't bother responding to the email, because honestly, I really had no idea what to tell her. Well, I'll be darned if Chuckie didn't hand me the phone with Grammy on the other end. She greeted me (after possibly 10 years of not seeing me, or at least a good 6-8), "Hi, Sweetie!"
Umm? How was I supposed to guess from that? Well, I'm amazing, that's how, and I did. Ha. So, she went on about how she calls my house all the time but mom never answers, how she misses me, she gets my address, I get hers, and she tells me about all the attempts she's made to contact me and how my mom keeps getting in the way of it all. And, she says, "Sarah, will you tell you mother I called? Tell her I want to talk to her, I really do...." etc.

Hello.
What the Hell am I supposed to do about all this?!?!?!

I actually almost started crying--she made me feel guilty! (apparently, she's done that to my mom for most of the entirety of my mom's life).
I feel torn. On one hand, I have nothing against her except all the crap she has put my mom through and the way her voice is when she says, "Sarah Anne!!!" *shudder* I can't stand my middle name because of her! On the other hand, she does have a tendency to make my mom miserable.

My problem lies here: What would God want me to do about it? I didn't even tell my mom that I talked to her yesterday. (yet) Chuckie told me not to tell her because it would just make her upset, but I don't think I should hide it from her either. (And, really, it's not like mom doesn't know that Grammy calls, Caller ID tells all). Is she really lonely? Does she really want to talk to us, or does she just want to get at mom/spy on her? Is ignoring a bad thing to do to people? Particularly flesh&blood?
I'm musing over it. Here's what I'm thinking so far: As long as she doesn't pressure me to get mom involved, I'll write/call her once in a while. No harm in it, right? (There isn't, right?) However, it's mom's decision to not get involved with Grammy, not mine. I can't (well, I probably could) but I won't do anything to persuade her otherwise. Mom is the one who knows the whole story, and it's her choice.
My worry is about mom here. She didn't keep much contact with her stepdad, either, and when he died, she had a lot of unresolved issues that really upset her a lot. Well, somethin' tells me that will be even worse when Grammy passes on. My mom seems happy now, I just hope she's okay with everything later on.

*sigh* family.

Yesterday 8 members of the [Syrian] Corra clan dined at the Lebanese restaurant. It was pretty sweet. I knew more of the stuff on the menu before ordering it this time! haha. Plus, there was.....*drum roll*....baklava! <3

Today we go to Grandma's house (dad's side, of course) for Thanksgiving lunch, and have a late dinner here at home. Ah, the chaos that shall ensue!
And I haven't slept at all. I'll survive!

Tomorrow might be interesting. We'll just see. = )

Giving back.

Wednesday I helped cook Thanksgiving dinner at Trinity.

Friday I donated blood on a whim (I was glad I could!).

Today I assisted in spending a solid $5,000 on toys for our church's Christmas program. Such fun!

[Oh, and I don't know how real it is or whether it counts, but supposedly I've been donated tons of rice to small hungry children by playing this game: http://freerice.com ]

I also got to help out with the preschool kids in their Sunday school class. So precious.

It's been a while since I have done anything for anyone other than yours truly, and it feels nice to actually make a contribution to society. I love the Christmas program at church. I have 2 major experiences with it that have made big impressions on me. The first is slightly trivial. It was when Hills (the store, not show) closed down, and there were only 4 or 5 of us shopping. We lined the WHOLE STORE with shopping carts full of toys. The receipt was HUGE! We hung it on our refrigerator. It was such an experience. I loved it.

The other was much more meaningful. One day in high school, I got to take a day off to actually help in the Christmas store we set up. I finally got to put faces to the people we help every year. Funny, they look just like you and me! Imagine! The most rewarding thing was the looks on their faces when they saw just what their child wanted, right there in their reach.
Beautiful.

I love it.

Giving back is so fulfilling. It almost makes up for being so me-oriented every other moment of my life. I want to volunteer in the soup kitchen at Trinity, I think.
I also think I want to give Zumba serious thought. I have yet to go through with that little resolution.

Mmmm.
I feel...strangely disconnected from everything around me. eh. We'll just see what happens.
Que será, será.

Sará(h).

Home is where the <3 is.

It's always so wonderful to be home, stressful or not.

• I'm thankful for my wonderful family and how often I get to see them.
• And for my wonderful friends, who I see far less often, but appreciate just as much.
• I'm thankful for second chances, and the lifetime of second chances that God gives us.
• I'm thankful for a bed, a comfy bed, chilly or not.
• I am thankful for plentiful food.
• I'm thankful for a few hours of uninterrupted time to talk to a friend I missed more than I realized. = )
• I'm thankful for Peterkin and reconciliation.
• For thoughts that put me in a better place.
• For getting things square with God--finally.
• I'm thankful that God refuses to let me get by with anything ("Now, Sarah, you know that's not the whole truth. 'Fess up, NOW!")
• I'm thankful for life.
• For places I can worship peacefully and proudly.
• For a room to myself (mostly).
• For my cat, who is crazy-loyal to me, even when I abandon her for Mo-town. I do love her dearly.
• I'm thankful for a family who loves me, and who is eager and happy to see me home.
• I am thankful for a mom I can call at any hour, who will listen to me balling my eyes out.
• I am thankful that no matter what, everything will be okay, eventually.

I've decided that I have to figure out what is going on with me before subject anyone else to deal with me. Heh. At least for more than a short period of time. Part of me wishes I could escape, run away, to somewhere warm and exotic, where no one knows me, where no one can say "effed up big time" in their language, so no one ever has to find out how bad I've messed up. Somewhere that no one will even ask.
However, being realistic and intelligent, but poor more than anything, I know that this cannot happen. Plus, I know that really, if I wanted something pure, true, and real, everyone would have to know how bad I screwed up. Or at least the people that I wanted to be real with.

hmm.

Such ponderings.

I really am dreading beefing up that damn Darfur paper this week. I have to do it soon, though.
Got a tolerable grade on the Hinduism test. Shame I won't get better than an 85% in that class, no matter how well I do on the next test.
Oh, well.

Time to do something productive I s'pose.

Sarah.


I like a picture a post thing that Ive begun.


Wistful.


I love Google.

Oh Geez.

So much has been happening lately. I can hardly keep up.

I'm technically not supposed to still be in my dorm...
shhhh

They just walked into check, and the guy made the funniest squeal when I opened the door!
Damn funny. a ha ha.

Life is kinda sucky right now, and I've made it that way. Surprise. I am so good at that, you know?

It's fine, I've screwed up (<--understatement, for real), and I'm gonna try my best to fix it. Sometimes I think I'm more of a drama queen that I ever wanted to be. boo. I laughed my ass off upon seeing this picture:

fake but funny.






I typed in "release " on Google. This is what came up:





Alright...one more, just because you know I love a little bit of scandal.


Couldn't quite help myself.


Sarah.

hmm.

I've been doing lots of thinking lately.
I'm hopin' this won't get me into trouble (the thinking, that is).


That picture is my latest desktop background.

Thanksgiving dinner at choich tomorrow.
I'm going to help cook! = )

Life is hectic, but not too bad.

I like how things are going right now.

The future looks bright.

That all is so vague....

brief self reminder

for future reference,sarah should not go to guatemala or bolivia unless she's feeling pretty reckless.
colombia might be okay compared to those two, accoring to Foreign Policy Journal.

More later.

Refreshed & Reconciled.

The retreat was wonderful.

That is all for right now.

Tranquility.

Today I went to the Canterbury Prayer/song service again.

It made me feel so tranquil and at home.

I am ready for Peterkin.

Hot Pink.

I'm liking this new look to my blog.
I think the word blog is really dumb, anyone else think so?

Um.
This week is gonna be serious chaos, I can't wait to see how I tackle it.
I love a challenge.
Bring it on, baby.

"A woman is like a tea bag--you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."
Eleanor Roosevelt

The water is beginning to boil, let's see what happens.

Sarah.

P.S. Yoga is crazy. This is one example of a crazy yogi. Hinduism is pretty intense.



So Contemplative and Peaceful.




("I want to turn the whole thing upside down...")




Twinkle Toes.

Omg.
I'm jealous, are you?

Choich.

Church was pretty nice today. I returned (somewhat hesitantly) to Trinity in Mo-town. It's not as bad as last year, I suppose. Josiah gave a good sermon--it's a shame today was stewardship Sunday, I'm sure I would have like it even better otherwise.
There were actually a lot of people to see during the peace. Haha. Oh,dear. Failing memories are a terrible pain. I didn't even recognize one girl from Peterkin when I saw her last night, but this morning it dawned on me (after seeing her in church, of course).
We sang Here I Am Lord. I liked singing it a whole lot, so much that I was tempted to play my clarinet when I got back to my dorm. However, the paper from hell was lingering for me instead. boo.
Oh, did I mention the chocolate baklava?
Because it was reeeeeeeeally good. Like, I didn't know they made chocolate baklava, but I'm sure regular baklava will never be quite the same after tasting this. Mmmm.

So now, Darfur still waits for me (and George Bush, and everyone else who is doing nothing about it). One of my motivations for attempting to put my heart into this damn paper is because No One Else Cares! At least not enough people. I want to see the documentary coming out called "Darfur Now."

*sigh*

People are dying and I'm worried about my GPA.
Sometimes my life feels a little dull and meaningless.
In other news, I might look into the Peace Corps.

Sarah

Darfur

I keep doing research on the genocide in Darfur, and quite frankly, it's so damn depressing.

"Peace talks postponed."
Don't they see that nothing good can come from postponing a peace talk? Come on.

So frustrating. Almost as frustrating as not knowing how to go about this awful paper.

However, a weekend at Peterkin is in the distance.
There's just a biiiig canyon I have to cross first.
and I don't even have one of those damn donkeys to help me out.
and i'm afraid of heights.
damn.

I'll suffer through it.
Seriously, just think about what the people in Sudan are going through.
*shudder.
And they've been suffering waaay to long.