Growth

I re-read my blog, including actually reading the ones I'd written so blindly and ignorantly instead of merely skimming over them. I think the actual acknowledgment of those errors is healthy. Perhaps. It's so interesting to observe just how much I have changed in such a very short span of time. It's incredible. I should be studying instead of marveling over these things, so I won't do so long.
Even though I still don't feel quite as connected to God as I'd like to (and have in the past), I definitely am more connected than I was last year, or even for the majority of this semester. Even when it was "down to the wire" on the English portfolio, and I had barely half of it done, I was stressed, but not beyond functionality (<--significant; I have been stressed beyond functionality before). And you know what? I didn't need to whine, cry, or complain to anyone about it while I did it in order to tackle the task at hand. That's so substantial!
I am slightly ashamed that it's taken me this long to get the hang of this "going to college" ordeal, but I am thankful that I'm finally getting there. The most recent Bible verse at the Canterbury service was one about the Lord providing, and it spoke to me.
I'm one of those people that just worries a lot; we exist, and try as we might, sometimes we just can't help it. We envy those who can be so carefree. However, there is a healthy amount of worrying, and knowing where that line exists is the key to survival and retaining a sense of sanity.

All of my finals are this week, but I'm not freaking out. I know that if I do my best and study as well as I can, everything will be fine.

I see progress, and it is so comforting and invigorating.

Also, it's raining, and I'm inside, and it sounds wonderful. Often, in church at home, you can hear the rain pounding on the roof, and I always wish that the sermon could be paused (if I were up there, I would pause!) just so everyone could listen to the rain and enjoy God's creation, just for a few moments. Also on that note, I think my religious experience could be improved with more solemn, quiet, undisturbed meditation. I hope to find that some day.

Success = Bliss.

Portfolio = done, and it's more or less the right amount of pages, if nothing else.

Italian quiz has been made up; and because I'm a Spanish guru (but, according to Hinduism, not really a guru, of course!), I owned it with an 8/10, when I should have probably failed. I got a 100% on my speaking test in the same class; again, thanks to the marvelous language that is español. I struggled through the listening test, did a mediocre job that might turn out alright.

And I officially have nothing to fret about until my [psycho-crazy-hard, intense] music final on monday. I shall not worry.

The rest of today (after my religion class in a few minutes) is devoted to non-academic endeavors, including any or all of the following: napping--but probably not, relaxing--definitely!, getting a white elephant gift (or something to wrap it in), working out (every time I succeed academically, I do this...I'm such a weird kid), Canterbury parade and/or Christmas party.

I'm so happy. The Italian was a beautiful success, and I don't even know about the portfolio, but it's over, and I am content.

So very content.



This is a sand mandala constructed by monks who follow the Tibetan Buddhism. They have so much patience. They take an insane amount of time constructing it to be just right, then immediately upon finishing it (and perhaps taking a picture), they wipe it away (demonstrating the impermanence of life). They then gather up the sand and distribute it into running water to spread the prayers and good karma throughout the region.

I kind of want to make one (or help someone make one) some day.

Needy.

I never saw myself as that need before I got to college. I've finally realized it's because I had my family to rely on. Whenever I would be upset, I could go to my mom and cry, and she would hug me and tell me not to cry, and that everything would be all right. It's not like I did it frequently, but when I needed to, I could. Now, physically, I don't have them. My mom talks to me on the phone, but it's always rushed and in the middle of her job (which I shouldn't expect her to do anyway), or when she's exhausted after her job and/or classes.

Then I went to college. I immediately found a boyfriend who would hold me when I cried, and tell me everything would be all right.
Then we broke up, but I would still feel the need to have someone do that, and say that, so I would go to him, and he would.

I screwed up a lot today, which is really the pinnacle to this hell week, as Jordan has so aptly named it. I missed my "hearing" about our messy-to-the-point-of-hazardous room, when of course, I would have been the only roommate showing up anyway. (responsible, no?). Not only that, but remember how I missed my Italian class on Monday, you know, the last one I can miss before dropping my grade? Well, she sent us an email telling us not to miss today (final quiz) or friday. I missed it today. I missed the final quiz, too. And, I have no idea what will be on our listening exam on friday, and unlike in my Spanish class, this actually will be a problem, because I don't know Italian. Oh, that , and I haven't seen the teacher or students for over a week, nor have I even thought about that wretched language, save accidentally thinking "numero due" instead of number two.

And you know what? As I rushed (trying not to fall & die on the slippery slushy snow) to my Spanish class, continually reprimanding myself for wasting my time (my life, it seems, at this point), for staying up late for stupid reasons, and for just failing in general, I longed for someone to tell me it would be all right. How immature that is! How selfish! How pathetic!

I want to grow up already. Get over it, Sarah. Grow up.
Stop whining and start doing something. Stop failing so badly.

I tried to go to people I was supposed to meet about the room issue, and another lady who is too sweet for words told me that it didn't matter that I wasn't there, that it was mostly a warning (awfully big deal for a warning, huh?) to get us to clean up, and that she'd tell the other person I stopped by. It was very sweet of her, to the point where I almost cried as I descended the possibly-deadly slope back to my dorm. Now I have to email my Italian teacher, throw myself on her mercy, and hope she relents, somehow.
I feel so bad. The one class I felt I could guarantee has been jeopardized.

I'm so angry and upset right now.
All at myself, too. Who's fault is it? Yup, as always, yours truly.

If I ever get better at fixing my life, and moreover, my academics, I'm sure I'll be happy-as-a-clam Sarah again.
Till then, I'm going to try not to grumble and scowl too much (why should everyone else witness that if it's my fault, anyway?), and I'm going to continue to hope, pray, and actually try to fix things.
___________________________________________________________________

You know, I hate to admit it, because really, it's probably more trouble than it's worth, but the snow really does make everything look so pretty. Until you look down to see the slush. I am pondering this, and I'm sure there's some sort of symbolism to it. Everything has it's advantages and disadvantages, and if you look for either, you can find either. You can't ignore the mess that it makes, you can only make the best of it?
I don't know.

Despite the overabundance of slush in my life, those neatly trimmed trees and the snow-covered hills do add a breath of hope.

Accomplishments

I finished Jane Eyre today/yesterday (i.e. 3 hours ago).

And I played Free Rice until I met a newly formed goal:

"You have donated 10000 grains of rice.
Wow! Now THAT is impressive!"


Don't even ask about that paper....

• Slept through Italian today because I'm awesome like that.
• My printer is being rebellious, and I have not the knowledge to teach it a lesson (my sole idea involves a fork in an electrical outlet or something equally cruel, but, wouldn't you know it: all I have is plastic silverware; not to mention the damage I'd being doing to myself by doing so, either).
• Laura & I chatted about the dilemmas of men.
• I'm starving because the Bistro sucks.
• I spilled hot(or more accurately, mildly warm) chocolate on myself.
• I have no idea what I'd bring to people if I were Santa, especially in Spanish.
• Darfur is still happening, and my paper is still...well, not.
• I have agreed to go to Subway with someone whose company I probably won't enjoy.
• I do not know if this is the wrong decision; but it has been made.
• It is cold and snowing, and wintry (and not in the wonderland-like way)
• I complain too much perhaps.
• My arms are still throbbing from Thursday's workout. Still.
• I am not stressed out, and it makes me feel irresponsible to not be.

I'm a weird chick.
That is all.


PPS Jennifer Love Hewitt is not all that bad...I like how she thinks! "To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist," she wrote, "put on a bikini put it on and stay strong."

400,000 dead and counting vs. a teddy bear?!?!

Perhaps it's callous and terrible of me to say so, but I'm getting a little frustrated with the amount of attention for the teacher who named that teddy bear "Muhammad." If you go to another country and plan to interact with the people there, you need to know what you're getting yourself into. You need to research the culture and the religion, specifically if the country's government is based on that religion. You need to be aware.

I read an article where it said that she thought it was okay because lots of people are named Muhammad. Ok, maybe that makes sense. It also said that's what the kids wanted to name it. Ok, I see rationale in that as well. However, does anyone else remember the incident with the cartoon of Muhammad? And all the chaos it caused? This notion of naming the bear should have evoked a HUGE red flag regarding that matter.

She screwed up big time, and it really sucks for her, but the latest sentencing I read was 15 days in jail and deportation. That is waaay better than her original sentence (up to 40 lashes, six months in prison and a fine), and better than the call for execution by some of the Sudanese people as well.
So, officials are still trying to sneak her out alive (legitimately, of course).


However, this genocide seems a lot more important to me. Perhaps I'm mistaken. However, the mild discomfort of one white woman in one situation which she got herself into hardly seems to take priority over hundreds of thousands of innocent people being brutally and injustly killed daily. It's been happening for over FIVE YEARS.



I'll stop now. I'm sorry. This just frustrates me. I hate that I can't even write a paper on it, not to mention do anything.

Just the right thing...

Have you ever come into contact with someone who can say just the right thing to cause you to fall apart? That happened to me today. I thought I had grown invincible, impermeable to this person, I had all my guards up. I was ready. However, the phone rang, and I saw this person's name just after I opened my phone to answer.
Sneak attack at its worst.
I was hostile and cold at first, it was easy.
Then, in passing, he mentioned something that hardly had to do with me at all, and the first tear rolled down my cheek. Funny, all day I had been musing over that fact that I had not cried over the end of things with us. And, really, that's not why I was crying at this point either. I've never tried to break contact with someone because we had a dysfunctional friendship (my personal term). I've never broken contact with someone like that before, at least not since I was old enough to remember. Especially someone I had originally spent so much time with, then all of a sudden, BOOM! none at all.
It was not even all that hard for me. Ignore phone calls, block on messenger, delete from facebook. Easy. I got along fine that way. Saw him in class, no big deal.
I would answer a call once in a while, long enough to see what he wanted, tell him things to make him stop calling, that's it.
Well, the problem at hand is this:
I don't know how long to break contact. At what point is it okay, healthy to start fresh, as friends, seeing each other only briefly? How long do you wait? Or is it a never thing? It sounds like he's learned his lesson; is that even possible?
Did we have anything before? Was it all a bunch of lies, infatuation, attraction, and nothing more? Those moments that seemed so special...how....why?

What is being in love anyway?

ugh.

Plus, I have yet to touch that freakin' paper.
This is not a good day. Tomorrow needs to be better.
It will be.


Oh, and another thing: Something I hate more than any other feeling in the world (almost, anyway) is feeling weak and helpless and confused, especially all at once. I hate feeling weak. I hate it so much. I love feeling like a strong, capable, confident woman; I love being that woman. I have felt like that woman for a while now, and all of a sudden, WHAM!, I fall apart from one harmless phone call.
*sigh*
Okay. Now it's back to being a writer...

Late Night Feed.

Last night was the Late Night Feed where we offer free hot dogs to anyone who wants them (mostly inebriated, poor college students).

Aside from the amusing stories about our "customers," I got a lot out of the night. I enjoyed the fellowship of the Canterbury Club, but more than that, I enjoyed that we were helping people. College kids don't typically get much sympathy or anything of that sort out of me. But, there were some people who came by and told us that it made their night, and that was so nice to hear!

It was amazing.

Now Darfur needs my attention...and everyone else's...

Everything you know is wrong.

Buddhism has some serious complex ideas.

First, you aren't who you think you are. Yup, that's right. According to Buddhism, I am not the Sarah with a H that I claim to be! O.O There is no self-identity because no part of you is unchanging and constant. You're like a kaleidoscope: You're made up of the same pieces, but they continue to move and be reshaped to form a completely different person.

Also, Nirvana is the only permanently reality of the cosmos. The state of tranquility and peace that is so incredibly difficult to achieve is the only permanent reality of the cosmos? Complex enough for you? It's all about perspective, whereas the Christian version of Heaven is more perceived as a place (of non-suffering) for the most part. It is also the freedom from personal attachment to things and people.

Our professor told us a story about a grieving grandmother who visited Buddha. She was mourning the loss of her grandson. Buddha asked her if she would like all the children in the village to be her grandchildren, and she replied, "Of course!"
Then Buddha asked her what would happen if she felt the same amount of pain she felt at that moment for one child every time one of the village children died.
Then she had the epiphany the Buddha wanted her to have: becoming attached (desire) causes pain & suffering.

No desire = no suffering.

It's interesting to muse over, but the thing is, I'm still of the opinion that it is better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all, and I always will be. Heartbreak is a horrible pain to undergo, but you do survive it (unless you're a sweet little old man/woman who lost the love of 80 + years or something, in which case dying of a broken heart is more reasonable). Plus, in Christianity, we recognize death as a transition into life with God, so it's a different thing entirely. "They've gone to a better place" and "They're not suffering any more" are our consolations.
Hmm.
I love learning about all this stuff.

This one's hardly relevant, but it's a wonderful picture anyway.





This happens to me sometimes.




Sometimes I do this.




But mostly I do this (or want to anyway).




That is about it at the moment. (Oh, and I have decided I'm pretty much a huge fan of www.istockphoto.com, it's amazing.)

Wild Turkey.

Not much worth mentioning today, aside from this tidbit of a bus conversation:
Carmen (younger lady approx 30-35 in age): Do you know where I can get a hunting license? I want a wild turkey!
Man (who actually thinks he knows everything): Wild Turkey? You can get a bottle of that anywhere!!

I laughed a whole lot, and I was the only one laughing.
Carmen got in 5 minutes later.




Beautiful trees!













This is my favorite. It looks like it would be a wonderful place to relax...

Down for the Count or the French are killin' me.

heh. No explanation for the second half of that.

I feel like I'm failing at everything right now, but I know ways to not fail again. It's just fixing my mistakes for right now I can't figure out. I bet this seems as vague as it sounds, hmm. I'll try to elaborate without going too crazy on a tangent.

One example is grades, school work, studying, etc--academics. I know ways to improve my studying for next time...I just am having issues figuring out how to scrape by this semester.

There's another dilemma, however, I don't feel like going into it right now.

I went to dinner last night and The Beast (oh, yes, the one who flew over the log with me) decided it didn't love me anymore, and it wouldn't start (in Marietta, no less, after dark!). damn--darn--thing. (I'm trying to go back to where I never used curse words. I liked that Sarah a lot better than I like the Sarah who started using them).
Anyway, the beast & I reconciled today, it started when I turned the key, so I gave it gas as a nice, pricey reward.


ha. I'm so awesomely lame sometimes.

So, plans for next semester and/or future in general (woah, Sarah's planning ahead--watch out everybody!):

• not hang out with people who intentionally hurt me; no exceptions.
• hang out with people who really love me unconditionally, not only that, but they bring out the very best in me, and they expect me to do my best.
• study very hard, type up notes (reinforcement), stay organized, use a day planner(we'll see whether that one works out!), write all major assignments & tests on my big calendar
• find people in large classes to hold me accountable for being in class, sit up front in large lectures in order to feel as if I need to be there
  
• know that I need to be there--required or not
• go to Spanish and or Italian tables in the evenings
• not eat at BK every single day--and/or try to find the healthiest things on the menu--and eat them.
• find things worth eating at the Bistro.
• go to the rec at least once a week.
• not sit around in my room and wallow in my own self-pity (I like this one! = P )
• find someone I know in a Zumba class, suck it up & give it a shot
• sleep at somewhat logical times
• turn more assignments in early (I've actually been good about that lately!)
• continue attending Canterbury club either tuesdays and/or wednesdays, continue to participate in their activities
• keep my floor cleaner-->better organized feeling
• try to volunteer in the church soup kitchen
• keep in touch with my non-WVU friends better

Now, my dear readers, I am not an unrealistic person, at least not when it comes to the task before me. I do understand that accomplishing everything on the above list would be a near-impossible feat. However, I also know that there are simply some things on there that I can't afford to not do. Those are my priorities, everything else would just be healthy and good things to do in order to have a better semester.

I need to have a good semester. I need to be me again.
I don't think I've been me in a long time. I kinda miss it a lot.

he dicho.




Dysfunction: The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you.
What can I say; it spoke to me.





Most of what this one says isn't that important, but I'll tell you anyway.
Apathy: If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.




Agony: Not all pain is gain.
That one is a little revolting, but, uh, the fight thing appealed to me at the moment.
Battling my own demons and those of others as well.



I am an icicle, freezing(!!), clinging to whatever I can grasp, and meltingevery time the sun starts to shine. Emo kid I am.


One more:

A small glimpse of hope.
All I need.

Goodnight.

Good Morning! My, you're up early!

Rise & Shine, Baby!




Chuckie & I got up @ 3:30AM to shop. It was actually less eventful and chaotic than I imagined--this is a very good thing, I believe.

Yesterday I told mom that Grammy called. We talked about things for a bit. She says that her issues with her mom & her dad (not her stepdad--my bad) may be unresolved, but she doesn't think they'll get any better, and she doesn't think it's worth trying.
Her choice, so I'm fine with that. As long as she knows what she's getting herself into. I feel like that was a conversation I was wary of having, but it turned out okay. It could have been much more emotional & uncomfortable, and I'm glad it wasn't.

Speaking of deep conversations, you wouldn't believe how genial Chuckie & I can be to each other at 4 o'clock in the morning! My goodness. We talked a lot about college stuff--as you can tell, it was intense. (just kidding).

Paper writing, perhaps more shopping, and dinner plans for today. I'm pretty pumped about one of the three--take your pick. heh.

Time to rest and relax for now. Some strange part of my side is killing, but I'm assuming it's because my body doesn't like the ratio of hours of sleep to hours per day that I've got goin' on lately. (3:48 = not so nice!)
hasta luego.


I was going to come up with some witty caption. Alas, it is simply too early. I'll make up for it some other time!




I kind of felt like this today, and I totally look and feel like this every time we have a fire drill after I've fallen asleep. haha. I'm awesome that way.

_________________________________________________________________

Oh, I finally found the poem I like so well. I feel like it describes my dad a lot. It stirred a lot of emotion in me when we read this in class. Really, the first stanza is the most pertinent.

Those Winter Sundays

by Robert E. Hayden

Sundays too my father got up early

and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,

then with cracked hands that ached

from labor in the weekday weather made

banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.

When the rooms were warm, he’d call,

and slowly I would rise and dress,

fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,

who had driven out the cold

and polished my good shoes as well.

What did I know, what did I know

of love’s austere and lonely offices?

Thanksgiving----take two!

Something I was musing over during our holiday meal at my grandma's house, as I ate and observed the chaos that is the Corra family (bunch of crazies...heh):
The women on my dad's side of the family, at least my aunts (aka his sisters, right?) and a few of my older cousins, have a pretty lousy record of landing kind of sucky men. It's kind of a shame, really. Granted, most of my aunts are pretty crazy, but still...I'm positive that my grandfather was a wonderful man, and he was good to my grandmother (vice versa), so I don't really know why it is that most of their children ended up with not so great marriages. Ha. They're Catholic, too (remember, dear readers, Catholics frown on divorces; they mate for life (like swans!) haha.). It's interesting because out of all 10 kids, 3 (maybe 4) of the 10 ended up having divorces, and one did not get married (which is not necessarily a sing that she has trouble with men, could be a choice, no idea--plus, she works in the CIA, so obviously it would totally be just like "Mr. & Mrs. Smith"..lol) One of my aunts in particular has had 2 (at least, maybe 3?) divorces, her daughter has yet to have much better luck with men, 'though she's never been married either. And one of my other cousins married another loser (do they seek us Corra-girls out; or is it terrible judge of character? hmm). After a whole lot of chaos (of course) they got divorced and he left her with her baby--who has lots of health problems.

It just kind of got me thinking about things. the cousins always bring their significant others(of the moment?) to holiday meals/gatherings. We meet them, they experience their share of the Corra chaos, they leave, and sometimes cousins return with same people, but usually they don't. Interesting.

I failed to make my point yet. how frustrating! all that, and no point! Ok. Point: I recognize that, for whatever reason, judgment of men and/or commitment to said men is not the forte of the Corra girls. Although, I will mention that with most of these men, it is best that my female relatives got away from them. So, these are things I have noticed. Thus far, I have not been much more astute than my relatives in regard to the male species. This is not saying that all the guys I dated were bad--most weren't as bad as some that my aunts have gotten involved with--it's just an interesting coincidence, is it not? At any rate, I do hope to learn from my mistakes (I'm sure I already have) and theirs as well, and do my best to not have to marry a variety of men before finding one who is right for me. heh. definitely hoping to avoid that.
I'm also hoping to just get better at all this relationship nonsense some day. Oh, and also find a healthy but unobtrusive way to teach my children about relationships--at least that which you can teach and does not come from experience. I keep thinking that surely not all these things must be learned the "hard way."

My trusty readers (<--weirdo 102 teacher says 19th century writers did this & no one else does. does that mean I'm weird? = ( heh), I believe it is time for more eating, scheming, and hopefully sleeping (oh, how I miss thee!) to ensue.

I will leave you with some pictures of my favorite fictional couples, sappy romantic I am. = )


Jane and Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice
melt-worthy?



Luke & Lorelai--Gilmore Girls
meant-to-be.




Mr & Mrs Smith.
Yes, I know. You'd think this is the most dysfunctional of the 3, and perhaps it is, but in all three relationships (fictional as they were) there were problems and issues to overcome. mmm.

I will be pondering this over dinner!

Happy Thanksgiving, and such.

I could not sleep a wink, so hear I sit, typing away, listening to the rain pouring and the wind howling. My cat is glaring angrily at me from the foot of the bed, reprimanding me for interrupting her beauty rest. My mom is downstairs, snoring, as she waits the return of my dad from work. He has been slaving away all night, just as he has the past few nights. I'm not the only one missing out on my shut-eye. As I was trying to sleep, the brilliant blue glow from my iMode (my new iPod player) cast eerie shadows about the room. Try as I might, I could not sleep at all.

In other news, my brother is on this really weird kick where he keeps saying I'm a lesbian. Umm, hello? If I were a lesbian, would I go through all this trouble messing around with men? Hell, no! Maybe he clicked on my blog the day I put up the picture of the two women kissing? Eh. Whatever. I'm pretty sure most of us know I'm not a lesbian, not that I have any problems with people who are--unless they're Tila Tequila--and she's somethin' else altogether.

My grandmother from my mom's side succeeded in making contact with me, totally throwing me a curveball. I hate that my awesome brother who thinks I'm a lesbian handed me the phone without telling me who the devil was on the other end! oy. So, we don't keep in contact with mom's side of the family for a cornucopia of reasons (yay for thanksgiving!). Many just involving things I have nothing to do with. My mom has never said that we aren't allowed to talked to her mom or anything of the sort. However, she never did much to encourage it either. She refuses to pick up the phone when her mom is calling. Recently mom sent me an email telling me that my grandmother (we call(ed) her Grammy) has been calling the church for my school address...several times. O.O Oookay, so she asked if I wanted them to give her the address, but I just didn't bother responding to the email, because honestly, I really had no idea what to tell her. Well, I'll be darned if Chuckie didn't hand me the phone with Grammy on the other end. She greeted me (after possibly 10 years of not seeing me, or at least a good 6-8), "Hi, Sweetie!"
Umm? How was I supposed to guess from that? Well, I'm amazing, that's how, and I did. Ha. So, she went on about how she calls my house all the time but mom never answers, how she misses me, she gets my address, I get hers, and she tells me about all the attempts she's made to contact me and how my mom keeps getting in the way of it all. And, she says, "Sarah, will you tell you mother I called? Tell her I want to talk to her, I really do...." etc.

Hello.
What the Hell am I supposed to do about all this?!?!?!

I actually almost started crying--she made me feel guilty! (apparently, she's done that to my mom for most of the entirety of my mom's life).
I feel torn. On one hand, I have nothing against her except all the crap she has put my mom through and the way her voice is when she says, "Sarah Anne!!!" *shudder* I can't stand my middle name because of her! On the other hand, she does have a tendency to make my mom miserable.

My problem lies here: What would God want me to do about it? I didn't even tell my mom that I talked to her yesterday. (yet) Chuckie told me not to tell her because it would just make her upset, but I don't think I should hide it from her either. (And, really, it's not like mom doesn't know that Grammy calls, Caller ID tells all). Is she really lonely? Does she really want to talk to us, or does she just want to get at mom/spy on her? Is ignoring a bad thing to do to people? Particularly flesh&blood?
I'm musing over it. Here's what I'm thinking so far: As long as she doesn't pressure me to get mom involved, I'll write/call her once in a while. No harm in it, right? (There isn't, right?) However, it's mom's decision to not get involved with Grammy, not mine. I can't (well, I probably could) but I won't do anything to persuade her otherwise. Mom is the one who knows the whole story, and it's her choice.
My worry is about mom here. She didn't keep much contact with her stepdad, either, and when he died, she had a lot of unresolved issues that really upset her a lot. Well, somethin' tells me that will be even worse when Grammy passes on. My mom seems happy now, I just hope she's okay with everything later on.

*sigh* family.

Yesterday 8 members of the [Syrian] Corra clan dined at the Lebanese restaurant. It was pretty sweet. I knew more of the stuff on the menu before ordering it this time! haha. Plus, there was.....*drum roll*....baklava! <3

Today we go to Grandma's house (dad's side, of course) for Thanksgiving lunch, and have a late dinner here at home. Ah, the chaos that shall ensue!
And I haven't slept at all. I'll survive!

Tomorrow might be interesting. We'll just see. = )

Giving back.

Wednesday I helped cook Thanksgiving dinner at Trinity.

Friday I donated blood on a whim (I was glad I could!).

Today I assisted in spending a solid $5,000 on toys for our church's Christmas program. Such fun!

[Oh, and I don't know how real it is or whether it counts, but supposedly I've been donated tons of rice to small hungry children by playing this game: http://freerice.com ]

I also got to help out with the preschool kids in their Sunday school class. So precious.

It's been a while since I have done anything for anyone other than yours truly, and it feels nice to actually make a contribution to society. I love the Christmas program at church. I have 2 major experiences with it that have made big impressions on me. The first is slightly trivial. It was when Hills (the store, not show) closed down, and there were only 4 or 5 of us shopping. We lined the WHOLE STORE with shopping carts full of toys. The receipt was HUGE! We hung it on our refrigerator. It was such an experience. I loved it.

The other was much more meaningful. One day in high school, I got to take a day off to actually help in the Christmas store we set up. I finally got to put faces to the people we help every year. Funny, they look just like you and me! Imagine! The most rewarding thing was the looks on their faces when they saw just what their child wanted, right there in their reach.
Beautiful.

I love it.

Giving back is so fulfilling. It almost makes up for being so me-oriented every other moment of my life. I want to volunteer in the soup kitchen at Trinity, I think.
I also think I want to give Zumba serious thought. I have yet to go through with that little resolution.

Mmmm.
I feel...strangely disconnected from everything around me. eh. We'll just see what happens.
Que será, será.

Sará(h).

Home is where the <3 is.

It's always so wonderful to be home, stressful or not.

• I'm thankful for my wonderful family and how often I get to see them.
• And for my wonderful friends, who I see far less often, but appreciate just as much.
• I'm thankful for second chances, and the lifetime of second chances that God gives us.
• I'm thankful for a bed, a comfy bed, chilly or not.
• I am thankful for plentiful food.
• I'm thankful for a few hours of uninterrupted time to talk to a friend I missed more than I realized. = )
• I'm thankful for Peterkin and reconciliation.
• For thoughts that put me in a better place.
• For getting things square with God--finally.
• I'm thankful that God refuses to let me get by with anything ("Now, Sarah, you know that's not the whole truth. 'Fess up, NOW!")
• I'm thankful for life.
• For places I can worship peacefully and proudly.
• For a room to myself (mostly).
• For my cat, who is crazy-loyal to me, even when I abandon her for Mo-town. I do love her dearly.
• I'm thankful for a family who loves me, and who is eager and happy to see me home.
• I am thankful for a mom I can call at any hour, who will listen to me balling my eyes out.
• I am thankful that no matter what, everything will be okay, eventually.

I've decided that I have to figure out what is going on with me before subject anyone else to deal with me. Heh. At least for more than a short period of time. Part of me wishes I could escape, run away, to somewhere warm and exotic, where no one knows me, where no one can say "effed up big time" in their language, so no one ever has to find out how bad I've messed up. Somewhere that no one will even ask.
However, being realistic and intelligent, but poor more than anything, I know that this cannot happen. Plus, I know that really, if I wanted something pure, true, and real, everyone would have to know how bad I screwed up. Or at least the people that I wanted to be real with.

hmm.

Such ponderings.

I really am dreading beefing up that damn Darfur paper this week. I have to do it soon, though.
Got a tolerable grade on the Hinduism test. Shame I won't get better than an 85% in that class, no matter how well I do on the next test.
Oh, well.

Time to do something productive I s'pose.

Sarah.


I like a picture a post thing that Ive begun.


Wistful.


I love Google.

Oh Geez.

So much has been happening lately. I can hardly keep up.

I'm technically not supposed to still be in my dorm...
shhhh

They just walked into check, and the guy made the funniest squeal when I opened the door!
Damn funny. a ha ha.

Life is kinda sucky right now, and I've made it that way. Surprise. I am so good at that, you know?

It's fine, I've screwed up (<--understatement, for real), and I'm gonna try my best to fix it. Sometimes I think I'm more of a drama queen that I ever wanted to be. boo. I laughed my ass off upon seeing this picture:

fake but funny.






I typed in "release " on Google. This is what came up:





Alright...one more, just because you know I love a little bit of scandal.


Couldn't quite help myself.


Sarah.

hmm.

I've been doing lots of thinking lately.
I'm hopin' this won't get me into trouble (the thinking, that is).


That picture is my latest desktop background.

Thanksgiving dinner at choich tomorrow.
I'm going to help cook! = )

Life is hectic, but not too bad.

I like how things are going right now.

The future looks bright.

That all is so vague....

brief self reminder

for future reference,sarah should not go to guatemala or bolivia unless she's feeling pretty reckless.
colombia might be okay compared to those two, accoring to Foreign Policy Journal.

More later.

Refreshed & Reconciled.

The retreat was wonderful.

That is all for right now.

Tranquility.

Today I went to the Canterbury Prayer/song service again.

It made me feel so tranquil and at home.

I am ready for Peterkin.

Hot Pink.

I'm liking this new look to my blog.
I think the word blog is really dumb, anyone else think so?

Um.
This week is gonna be serious chaos, I can't wait to see how I tackle it.
I love a challenge.
Bring it on, baby.

"A woman is like a tea bag--you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."
Eleanor Roosevelt

The water is beginning to boil, let's see what happens.

Sarah.

P.S. Yoga is crazy. This is one example of a crazy yogi. Hinduism is pretty intense.



So Contemplative and Peaceful.




("I want to turn the whole thing upside down...")




Twinkle Toes.

Omg.
I'm jealous, are you?

Choich.

Church was pretty nice today. I returned (somewhat hesitantly) to Trinity in Mo-town. It's not as bad as last year, I suppose. Josiah gave a good sermon--it's a shame today was stewardship Sunday, I'm sure I would have like it even better otherwise.
There were actually a lot of people to see during the peace. Haha. Oh,dear. Failing memories are a terrible pain. I didn't even recognize one girl from Peterkin when I saw her last night, but this morning it dawned on me (after seeing her in church, of course).
We sang Here I Am Lord. I liked singing it a whole lot, so much that I was tempted to play my clarinet when I got back to my dorm. However, the paper from hell was lingering for me instead. boo.
Oh, did I mention the chocolate baklava?
Because it was reeeeeeeeally good. Like, I didn't know they made chocolate baklava, but I'm sure regular baklava will never be quite the same after tasting this. Mmmm.

So now, Darfur still waits for me (and George Bush, and everyone else who is doing nothing about it). One of my motivations for attempting to put my heart into this damn paper is because No One Else Cares! At least not enough people. I want to see the documentary coming out called "Darfur Now."

*sigh*

People are dying and I'm worried about my GPA.
Sometimes my life feels a little dull and meaningless.
In other news, I might look into the Peace Corps.

Sarah

Darfur

I keep doing research on the genocide in Darfur, and quite frankly, it's so damn depressing.

"Peace talks postponed."
Don't they see that nothing good can come from postponing a peace talk? Come on.

So frustrating. Almost as frustrating as not knowing how to go about this awful paper.

However, a weekend at Peterkin is in the distance.
There's just a biiiig canyon I have to cross first.
and I don't even have one of those damn donkeys to help me out.
and i'm afraid of heights.
damn.

I'll suffer through it.
Seriously, just think about what the people in Sudan are going through.
*shudder.
And they've been suffering waaay to long.

Thriving.

So yesterday, almost all the way through, was quite possibly the best day I have had in Morgantown since school started. Actually, I'm sure it was. I learned that if I persevere and set my mind to something I really can accomplish it. Oh,yes, loyal readers, your Sarah knows just how trite and cheesy that sounds, but it's the truth.

I also discovered that I officially WILL WILL WILL!!!!! see my Danielle this weekend!

And, at home this weekend, I had not one, but TWO pulchritudinous dates with a certain someone. And, they were also uneventful in the driving over logs field--even though I drove for one of them! yay for not flying over logs! Every time I pass that spot along the road, I edge away from it and shiver. You can still see serious indentation where The Beast crushed the foliage.

Even though I have all these wretched tests to study for, I am content.
I have not been this happy with my life in a long time.
God is good.
Friends are also nice. = )
And the boyfriend isn't too bad either. ; ) heh

Study time for this Sarah.
Arrivederci....(prep for my Italian exam tomorrow!).

New words: loquacious, penetralia, periphrastic.

Wishful Thinking.

Sometimes I think I want so much more out of life than what it's giving me, or what I'm taking from it. I wish that I lived in a way that would be blissful, carefree--but not to an unhealthy extent. I worry too much. I don't go out of my way to stay in touch with enough of my friends, particularly those in Morgantown. Okay, so I talk about missing my friends so damn much, but what the hell do I do about it? Nada. Not a damn thing. It's stupid and pointless. Why should I hang out so much with one friend--who often causes me as much trouble as he helps me with, if not more--when I have other friends I miss dearly?

It's a shame I have 3 huge tests next week.
It's a shame, but I have got to start somewhere.

So, there's more to this wanting more out of life thing. However, if I elaborate, I feel as if I am just being redundant because I still have done nothing along the lines of changing it.

This is a totally pointless entry, and I apologize to those who wanted more out of it---but that's kind of how my whole semester has been thus far. Fun, huh?


God helps those who help their selves, right? I ought to get on that.

Spanish Class today

Profesora Jocelin "I Kill You" Tolvar : De que te disfruta, Sarah? (Sarah, what do you enjoy?)

Sarah "I Pretend I Speak Spanish and Italian" Corra (planned answer): Me disfruta pasar tiempo con mis amigas muy buenas. (I enjoy spending time with my very good friends)

George "I Pretend I'm From Spain So I Mutter With A Lisp" Corley: You always say that.


Yeah. It's kinda cause I miss it a lot.
Today I saw Jane Eyre in Japanese, in the WVU hidden library shelves. I almost died from shock.
My life is complete.

I talked to a shy Colombian man today. I don't think he likes speaking to me. *shrug* I made him do it anyway. It was rad. The Arabs also tried to accost me at the International Fair. Again, fantastic. And, I get a max of tres puntos of extra credit on my next Spanish test, for a 5-8 line paragraph. Hmm...I think I'm getting the short end of that deal!

Today could have been better, but I've had worse lately.

In other news, Jordan Trumble called me yesterday and brightened my day. Therefore, when I added her in my phone, I put an exclamation point after her name, because she's pretty awesome. = )

goals and stuff.

So in this one time, I saw this movie that had a girl who wanted to be a traveling doctor. She had a map of the world on her wall and had little pins in the countries where she had traveled, and where she wanted to travel.
After I first travel, and return (alive hopefully, hahaha), I want to do that. I want to visit as many countries as I can before I die, and I want to meet people in all of them, and help someone in all of them, and at least learn a few words in their language.
I want to be able to identify the flags of all the different countries instantly.
I want to somehow be able to afford to do all these things I want to do in countries I want to do them.
I have always imagined having a family someday, but how would they feel about my traveling constantly?
Apparently I almost had to do the [not] Heimlich maneuver on Molly's boy.
O.O
haha.

Oh, dearie. I had quite a shopping adventure today. It was fun, I guess, after waiting all day for the bus. However, I believe I made a new friend in the process, so that's cool.

Me sittin' at home on a Saturday night.
Surprise, surprise.

***El cielo***

In the lovely Spanish language, el cielo means sky, but it also means Heaven.
In class today, we discussed our own versions of Heaven on Earth, and it made me feel really wonderful to think about it.
Tastes of Heaven (El sabor del cielo), to me, include:

• Anything at Peterkin, particularly being alone on Prayer Hill
• Candlelight services
• the day I got my ring = )
• sunny days in the chapel, when voices are loud and joyous, and God is near.
• quiet, calm campfires, on the Hike and on our counselor trip
• days in the park
• when I go driving, crank up my music, and think about nothing but the road(<--emphasis)
• hanging out with my friends, no matter for how long, or where, or what we're doing.
• watching csi shows with my mom
• playing video games with chuckie
• watching family guy with dad & chuckie
• anything where I can close my eyes and relax in the sunshine
• sitting on the porch swing and listening to the creek
• the times in the morgantown park, watching the ducks and the people
• arguing with dorian
• nightly chats with jordan trumble and (sometimes) sarah braswell
  
• the A Ha moments--where I realize that even though life is complicated, God knows just how far to push me.
• daytime naps in a comfy room & comfy bed, and waking up refreshed

I'll definitely add more later.
I really love life right now. Maybe I have drastic ups and downs, but it certainly makes the ups seem much higher. *contented sigh*

*PS Anyone else noticing my freakish pattern with numbers of entries per month? creeeeeeepy!

The Game of LIFE.

Write term paper. Lose next turn.

No kidding.

Today I discovered that caffiene does not turn you into a miracle worker (*...Tries to avoid Helen Keller/Anne Sullivan jokes...*). In fact, it did nothing but turn me into a hyper (temporarily) and easily distracted mess. And, I ended up writing quite possibly the shortest "5-7 page research paper"--EVER. Seriously, it was literally 2.5 pages long. Thankfully, I have a teacher who is fantastic, and lets us out early. He is amazing because he probably won't even yell at me when it comes time for conferences on Thursday. He is really cool because this paper I turned in doesn't actually get a real grade until time for the actual portfolio to be turned in.

Anyway, I accomplished like half a paragraph last night, but still stayed up til 530 trying to write it. Then I crashed until I got a wonderful few minute phone call at 9. Then, I was like, "Oh, shit!" and I tried to do some work, was suuuper drowsy, and kept falling back to sleep.

Quite the dumb but eye-opening experience. Sarah cannot rely on caffiene alone to help her magically BS a research paper the night before it is due. She wants to be Jasmine for Halloween, not Superwoman--for rather obvious reasons (besides the sweet costumes...haha).

So I learned stuff.
And I am EXTREMELY WARY of that Full Throttle stuff....yuuuuuuuck. *makes terrible face*
Terrible stuff. *shudders*

I have 2 monstrous tests tomorrow, and I am supposed to study tonight with a girl from my Religion class--who brings snacks to our study sessions--it's so cute/sweet. = ) She's an interesting kid. Not a bad one, either.

Ummm....so Chuckie got poison ivy from my car incident...and I have really weird/horribly annoying red bumps on the back on my leg, but I'm nearly positive it's not poison ivy, because it doesn't spread the way poison ivy is supposed to do. I think some damn bugs keep sneaking in my sheets or something equally wretched. Wicked little creatures.

I think I'm going to collapse into nap mode for a bit. I have a feeling tonight will be a struggle to study for both of my damn tests.

However, good news is that I might (I hope, I hope, I hope!) see at least Danielle and maybe Christa this weekend--if I survive that long!

Ahora es tiempo para la siesta mia. Now it is time for my nap.
Hasta luego, amigos mios.

Still no sanctuary

I like that I mostly have the room to myself, but I still feel like I'm not at home in it.

I feel like I want somewhere quiet and peaceful where I can be meditative, and even cry if I need to, but I don't think I have such a place at the moment.

I feel far from home.

Hold that head high, babe.

Today is a good day, I can already feel it, which is awfully funny considering my room is 25 degrees hotter than it is outside and I'm going to 5 classes today (bad karma for missing 2 yesterday).

Nevertheless, today is beautiful.
The weather outside is splendid--warm and breezy without being too hot.
3 out of 5 classes are out of the way.
I'm going to a tae kwondo class today, or else I'll end up failing tae kwondo--and that would just suck.

I had a very nice not-a-nap on my bed before religion class.
She mentioned Episcopalians in religion class today. . .
unfortunately is was followed by "another possible schism."

• Side note to my fellow Episcopalians out there: anyone else think it's funny that our leaders are called "primates?" (I totally think it's hilarious!)

Umm. Oh, saw a bunch of people on the street that I knew and don't particularly like today. Well, it's not even that as much as they don't like me. I shudder to think about the thoughts they think as they walk past me. However, as I said, this is a GOOD DAY, therefore, I jammed to "Renegade" by the Styx (again, my brother and his fantastic music collection), held my head high, smiled, and strutted past them all, because I know that my day is great, as is my life.

Today is such a good day!

I have letters and thank you notes that I've been procrastinating something fierce. I ought to get on that. But then you know what I'm gonna do? Enjoy life a little bit more. = ) I feel sooo fine today!
One of those days where I love being a woman, just because. And I didn't even have to get as dressed up to feel this way either.
I'm in love.
_________________________________________________________________

Edit: So, I thought my make-up tae kwondo class was at 5, but it's at 6. That means I definitely just walked up 90 stairs for NO GOOD REASON!!! booo. I'm am not a fan of this nonsense! However, I'm still having a good day. And, my mommy sent me 2 pairs of flip flops in the mail.
No, she doesn't spoil me, not at aaaaalllllll! = )

Clearly, I'm sporting the hot pink flip flops to tae kwondo. (don't worry, I don't annihilate my opponents wearing them, though I'd be twice as hardcore if I did! )

Still Sarah (always!), still in love, and loving life!

***Lot of hatin', and lots of lovin'!***

• I hate being lonely.
• I hate how all of my close friends (who aren't ex-boyfriends) live miles and miles and hours and hours away.
• I hate how bad I am at self-motivation when it comes to schoolwork/studying.
• I hate how I still don't know what to do with my life.
• I hate how I feel boring.
• I hate how I am boring.
• I hate how I've completely fallen for someone who lives hours and hours away.
• okay, maybe that's only a kind of hate thing. . .
• I hate how my family has to figure out how to deal about the car thing.
• I hate how I sat down to watch a movie on my laptop by myself, realized the movie was about a cable guy with no friends, realized it was too close to home, and turned it off.
• I hate how I feel like an emo kid right now.
• Even my mommy has better things to do than talk to me right now.
• That statement makes me feel even more pathetic than I already am.
• I hate how I have nothing better to do than sit here making a hate list.

I need a love list too.

• I love how my internet has magically picked up spell-check!
• I love being in love.
• I love loving people.
• I love dates.
• I love kisses.
• I love teasing.
• I love new adventures.
• I love intelligent conversations.
• I love shared secrets.
• I love innuendos and double entendres.
• I love late-night phone calls.
• I love fabulous massages.
• I love peace hugs.
• I love Starbursts.
• I love letters.
  
• I love sitting in romantic, secluded spots with someone special.
• I love having arms around me.
• I love cuddling.
  
• I love my friends.
• I love my family. A lot.
• I love God.
  
• I love going to Eucharist.
• I love how just hearing my religion professor say the word "Eucharist" today made me smile.
• And, finally, I love how everything is okay, even if I'm lonely, and I love that my love list is longer than the hate list.

Satisfied Sarah.

A fiiiine lunch date. Yes, a real date, at last!

Today was the most beautiful day I've had in a very long time. I'm not sure what that means, at this moment, but I know that I learned a lot, taught a lot, and had a lot of fun.

And got one damn good massage, too! Immobilizing, numbing, and healing. Oh, it was one of my favorite parts of the day.

God is still [and always] good.
And I love my family more than anyone can ever understand.

A perfect sarah.

Of Mice & Men

John Steinbeck wrote a wretched novel--wretched because of the ending, and wretched because of the way I cried after I finished it. Alas, after today, the only phrase that comes to my mind is from the opening of that damn book. "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

I had well-sculpted plans for today. I was up at 6:42 and ate Hamburger Helper for breakfast--yes, it's certainly the strangest thing I've ever had for breakfast. Especially considering that there were waffles in the fridge as well. So, Anyway, I eat this nonsense, hoping to finish before my mom or dad walks in--not because I'll be in trouble, but because I know that it is so incredibly bizarre that I'm eating that for breakfast! So, dad catches me, and of course tells mom, and they both kind of make fun of me for a while. It's all good still. I showed mom my sweet pictures of ducks & crazies in Morgantown, and we talked for a bit. Then we decided to go to Wally-World. I drove, and it was no big deal, except we were there forever. So, we eventually get home, and I hurry up, hop into the shower, get dressed in something rather attractive (wink wink = P), do my hair, even put in earrings! I finally am ready to head out the door.
I can get the stupid ipod thingy in the "The Beast/The Exploder/The Explorer," then Chuckie helped me.

I got in the car. I drove less than 1/4 mile. My Propel bottle fell to the floor, and it made a loud noise, so I glanced down, for just a mere second, and I looked up again, after feeling a huge bump, and then I noticed I was staring at serious foliage! Everywhere I looked, green vines surrounded me! Oh shit! And I slammed on the brakes. Eventually, I climbed out of the car, getting scratched a lot, and I walk to the back to discover that there is a HUGE LOG behind my car!!!! No wonder I couldn't back up!

In the end everything worked out.

It was scary, but it's ok.

I'm very glad I'm alive and no one and nothing got hurt.
God is very good to me.
Sarah

Damn that log.

Today Sarah flew, for the 2nd time in her life, first time flying without knowledge of doing so.

Today Sarah screwed up big time, but got off lucky, very lucky.

Today Sarah flew over the biggest log she's ever seen, lived to tell about it, and her car might have too, but we're not sure.

Sarah is okay, and she's really glad.
It could have been soooo much worse.
Although it totally screwed up plans for today, but that's okay. We'll work something out.

More pictures b/c they make me happy!

This is my favorite I think.
It's the crazy sea captain.
I like him.
I think that's his bike too.


1--I totally walked past this building one WITHOUT NOTICING IT! Woah. 2--Ten points if you find what does not belong! 3--1000 points if you can tell me why it's orange!


Okay, this crazy nut is totally worth a story, but I'll tell it at the bottom of the next picture.


Oh, the resolution is sooo bad! It's a shame. Okay, so this guy is like an older, chubbier version of Steve Erkel. He is apparently impaired in at least a few ways. He tapped me on the shoulder and scared the crap out of me. Anyway, so I saw this dude again, and while I was trying to get his picture, HE SAW ME! Then he did this crazy skilled pantomine of taking a picture and yelled at me, but I was scared and ran away from him.
This is a much less dramatic version of the story, but you get the idea.

Sarah

Found those USB cords, so here's a treat.

Random


This is the button I sewed on my pants all by myself, next to the hole I fixed by myself! = )

Setting the Scene

This is a CRAZY amount of foliage. Can we say overgrown?



This is a sweet park. Many ducks, dogs, and humans are quite fond of it.


Mr.Quackers


It's hard to tell, but this crazy thing is the size of a small/medium size dog & is ugly as hell!


Aren't they precious? = P
Action Shots!


Yours Truly...in action. = p


One more.


These guys sat here for over an hour, just chillin'.


Hardcore In-Line Skating!


This guy kind of made me sad. = / He looked about as lonely as I had felt earlier.


You tell me what the devil this thing is!


Run, Forrest, Run!!!



This is a much better shot than this pic shows, it really was a sweet action shot.


Story time: So this is a new restaurant, right? I'd never seen it. There was this woman in the window and she was standing really really still. Well, I kept looking at her, because I thought, maybe since it was new, it might not be open yet, maybe it was a manniquin or something. After about 5 minutes of staring, I decide this is the case, and I totally have to get a picture. THEN SHE MOVED!!!! Upon which I said, "Oh, shit, she's alive!!!!" and promptly left the premises!


I have a few more awesome pictures, but I'll have to upload them later.
Your crazy Sarah

PS Maybe (if I remember) I'll talk about how sweet this walk was, personally. Nice me time.