New Blog Remixxx--warning...serious length.

So yesterday was Good Friday & tomorrow is Easter Sunday. Today we decorated eggs--& my hands will never again be the normal, glow-in-the-dark white they used to be. I actually have a finger with a blue outline & orange as a base. It's pretty sweet. *scrunches nose*

Right now I'm insanely overwhelmed. I should be doing anything else except for this, so consider yourselves lucky. = p

Homework = uber chaotic. I might even make a list/schedule on here, simply for my own sake, so don't mind it if I do. Life is driving me crazy right now.

Spiritually, I'm not where I should be. Why? Oh, the plethora of reasons! Schoolwork, keeping scholarships, holding grudges against roommates, trying to spend appropriate amount of time with my family & friends & boyfriend, my messy room leading to more chaos, odd sleep patterns due to the roommate issue & everything else, the difficulty of finding alone time, the difficulty of getting to church, the pressure of trying to find out what to do with my life.

Secretly being afraid to take a deep breath, close my eyes and let God tell me what's up because I'm afraid what I might discover.

When I'm not spiritually-balanced, the rest of my life falls a p a r t. I am a liberal, tree-huggin' feminist, Episcopalian.
I am a Christian girl who likes to be spontaneous & have fun, while still having that perfect dose of Tradition to keep her in line.
When I lose that, I become enveloped in a downward spiral of gloom, stress, and [perhaps] failure. I freak out on my friends, & maybe family, & I just kind of shrug to God & say, "Please forgive me; give me a chance to make it up to you later." Once I get my life back, once I finish studying for this test, or writing this paper.

Well, that's the thing, folks: God should always be there, even if good grades aren't; even if I can't watch that movie with that friend, or go shopping with this one (ps--I never go shopping with friends!?!).

I keep telling myself, telling everyone I know, "Yeah, life's pretty rough right now; but I'm a tough cookie; I can handle it."

Then, if I happened to not get myself so overtired that I drop dead asleep, late at night, when everything is quiet, I start to worry about all the things that I haven't done; should have done; need to do; or wish I'd done. Then at some point, I remember--or perhaps can no longer deny--that God exists, & is still ready for me to break down, & confess everything, to admit that I, Sarah, the Tough Cookie, need help.

So then I break down & sob for a while, maybe I have a shoulder to cry on, or maybe it's just God with me, it varies. I soon feel guilty for being angry and stressed...face it; it's mostly my fault. I can't deny that. God and I know that sure, the roommate is a problem, but in the end, it's me who's running from my problems. Just Sarah. Sarah who would rather play than do something that could make a difference in her life. Sure, the girl wants to explore the globe, but she'd rather order a pizza from Domino's & watch Prison Break, curled up next to her boyfriend. Not go to Italy & eat real Italian food, & enjoy a romantic ride in a gondola.

WAKE UP, SLEEPYHEAD.

Suck it up and get going. You want to go to Italy, you're going to have to work harder than you've ever worked before. Yes, it's going to hurt, yes, you're going to get scars, but you'll live. And you can show off those scars when you're traveling to hot, exotic countries and making a difference.

Besides, if nothing else, you have food to eat--even if it is the Bistro, you have a mediocre bed to sleep in, and a roof over your head. You have God. You have churches. You have a wonderful family that loves you no matter what. You have great, intelligent friends who support everything you do. You have an amazing boyfriend who cares about you. And, say what you will, you have an education, and the opportunity to further it. And, most of all, you can make a difference.

Why are you whining?

Okay, I think I'm ready to study for Sociology, finally, and work on my papers. I needed this.
Sorry if any readers died from...boredom or confusion.

I'll explain the H Factor another time, and it will all make a little more sense then.

= )

Thanks for hearin' me out!
Sarah with an H.